It’s been a crazy couple of days these past two days. I have so much to talk about, but not much to say. But, I don’t want this entry to be about what happened, but about how I felt as things were happening. So let’s go:
I feel selfish. That’s it! The only thing I felt today is selfishness. I feel like I deserve to have what I want, to accomplish my dreams, and to be anyone I want to be. I feel much of my life I live for others, and now I want to live for myself. Even as the night winded down, I accept what others want, but I never fight for what I want. Have I laid down and die? I hope not! It’s near impossible for me to say “no” to many people about many things, especially if they had a certain relationship with me in the past. I ask myself “Why can I not do what I want? Why do I programatically say ‘yes’ to the desires of everyone? I’m not Jesus. I’m not in an enlightened state (yet). I’m not the most compassionate person in the world. But I say ‘yes’".
So, how can that be bad? Well, selfishness is what makes my compassion bad. After I say yes, I don’t do it. I ignore calls. I avoid the problem at all cost. I do this continuously in life. Over and over and over again. I hate it! I’m happy keeping to myself much of the time, and I’m happy trying to create wonderful things in my life. I’m unhappy when I feel forced to do things, not because others are forcing me to do them necessarily, but because I make myself want to do them. I want everyone to be happy, but I’m simply one person… and a loner at that. I conflict myself, I oppose myself, I set myself up and knock myself down.
“Man up!” says my consciousness of 26 years. “Don’t commit to things you know you won’t do.”
But at the same time, this sounds like “don’t make everyone happy.” But don’t I live to make everyone happy?
I get frustrated sometimes…. maybe money can buy happiness for all? Don’t you think so?
I don’t know why I get these crazy feelings, even on such momentous days like this. I am happy for my little brother, but unhappy with myself. I can do better, and I know it. I have set goals (shallow as they may be) since 2000 or earlier. I want to be lean, I want to create (a videogame), I want to explore my unexplored life. Simple as it might sounds, it has been a mountain I’ve been scaling for the last 9 years. I want to be on the peak for the 10th.